My brother, as usual, made it all better:
The question is not "is my faith strong?" but "is Jesus strong?"... never "is my faith sufficient?" but "is Jesus faithful?" It is not our faith that saves us... not its strength or its surety... but the death and resurrection of Jesus.It's not my faith that saves me. It's Jesus's faithfulness.
I've always heard "fix your eyes upon Jesus" (there's even a song), but I always took that as "Jesus is important, think about him a lot, show him reverence, and use his name when you pray."
It wasn't until I was in doubt of my own salvation that I came to realize that salvation isn't about me. It's about Jesus. I don't need to trust myself or even trust my own trust in God. I need to trust God's trustworthiness.
Since I've had this crisis, I've become a more genuine Christian. I've always striven to be sincere, but I feel like I really get it now. When all your faith in yourself is knocked out from under you, all have to hang on to is Christ. And I get it. I focus on Christ because he's the only thing holding me up. He's my only hope.
The kind of church I went to all my life focused a lot on understanding scripture. Mental knowledge went hand-in-hand with faith. But now that I realize I know nothing, I'm no longer focused on my own capabilities.
And it's a relief. Terrifying at times, when I forget who it is I'm supposed to be trusting -- me or God -- but a relief every time I remember.
I feel more down-to-earth. (It's hard to have hubris when you're petrified, after all.) I used to know that it was Christ who saved me, but it was an intellectual knowledge. Now, it's real for me. Now, it's all I have. I cling to it out of desperation, like a woman hanging over an abyss. I feel calm when I look up and see his hand in mine. I freak out when I forget to look at Jesus and look down and see how impossible it would be to climb out on my own.
But as long as I remember to look back up, I should be okay.
I cling to that.
It's not my own faith.
It's hope.
