Right now, in my thirties, I need a church that can remind me that being a Christian is a joy, not a burden.
Growing up, I learned all about the rules. Don't do this, don't do that. I know the rules. Over and over, for years and years, I had them drilled into me. Today, I don't want to attend a place that keeps harping on the rules. It's ground I've already covered. It's redundant. It's a waste of my time. And it's depressing. When all you get is the Do Nots, where is the joy? There is no joy. I'm done with Do Nots. Now I need Dos. I need hope. I need comfort. I need joy. I need simplicity and a place to rest.
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| This, but nobody ever let us inside. Thank God. |
This is how much I hate selling things: in high school, I had to sell chocolate bars for choir. All day, other students would come up to me and hand me a dollar, and I'd hand them the chocolate. It was the easiest gig possible, and I hated every second. It made me tense and miserable and anxious, and I never want to do anything like that ever again.
I am not a salesperson. I am not an evangelist. I am not a missionary or a leader or anything that my college and churches kept trying to push. I never wanted to marry a preacher because I saw how much work and stress it was for my parents, and that is not a role I have ever been equipped to fill. I still feel anxious when these things come up, decades later, because pressure became associated with these things in my mind.
Today, I need a light and fluffy church. Somewhere that doesn't cover the hard issues too much. Not because I want to ignore those issues but because I've heard about them so much that they've made me weary and eroded any joy I once had.
I need a balm now. I need rest. I need to be accepted without being pressured. If I can get that, maybe I'll get to an emotional and spiritual place where I can actually be of use in one way or another.
But I'll still never be or want the things I grew up pressured to be and want.
And that's okay.
* My parents have never pressured me.
** My parents have sound theology that was not as strictly conservative as some of the churches my dad preached at. My dad is a common sense sort of preacher, and I always paid attention and internalized his lessons, especially because he was my dad. I can't think of much he taught that I disagree with even now. In the car once, he made fun of a Bible guy on the radio who connected every last line of scripture to baptism. Every. Last. Line. Dad laughed and laughed about one particular line he thought nobody could get baptism out of and the guy still did (Dad believes in baptism but that radio guy was 100% ridiculous). Dad has a great sense of humor and was always sad when people stopped being themselves and went on their best behavior when they learned he was a preacher.
*** The church my parents found when I was fourteen was a restful, peaceful place. It was a place where people could have different beliefs on the minor things and it was fine. (i.e. Jesus died for our sins, but if you believe in the rapture and I don't, no worries.) The church originally formed because most of the members had left dysfunctional churches. They were tired of drama, so it was full of people who wanted a peaceful environment to worship. I'd like to find somewhere where I live now that has the same energy.
**** The churches that focused the most on rules were legalistic, meaning that they concentrated more on trying to be perfect to earn or keep God's grace than the idea that grace covers you all the time.
